What you absolutely must youtube:
George Carlin
The man's a genius. Watch everything by one of the world's greatest stand-up comedians. Religion is bullshit, Airplane Demo, Old age, Similarities, Stuff - everything.
For more, see: You tube? (Part I)
Also see: Saudi on a treadmill!
I think the sole purpose of our existence on earth is to destroy everything in sight.
Forget Satan, I think humans are the opposite of God. God’s the ultimate creator, and Man, the ultimate destroyer. God creates things out of nothing. We create things by destroying or cannibalising his creations.
We consume forests to make paper. We tear the ozone layer as we create faster modes of transportation or refrigeration. We pollute the sea in our quest for fuel. We destroy reefs to feed our own kind. We damage the ecosystem to satisfy our avarice. We destroy God’s architecture to make room for our own.
Yes, we’re the destroyers. And we seem to have accepted it as a fact.
We ask for a warranty card on everything we buy. We might not be sure if we really need a particular product but we’re very particular about how many years’ warranty we should get on it.
Come to think of it, we insist on a bill too so that we can pin the blame on someone. As if that is not enough, we insist on a list of after-sales service centres.
So there you go; we are subconsciously sure that we are extremely capable and very likely to put things out of commission, sooner or later.
Everything we buy breaks down at some point, which is usually exactly a week after its warranty period ends. But we sometimes fool ourselves by believing that a product is unbreakable. It’s usually a sales tactic used by entrepreneurs, who I’m sure must be laughing to themselves as they use it.
We might know a few well-to-do divorce lawyers but when it comes to a priest for a wedding, we might need to make a few phone calls.
Year on year, we pay hefty premiums towards our health and life insurance policies.
We buy insurance for our car at the same time we buy the car itself. We might not be sure if we’ll make any fatal mistakes but we can almost guarantee that someone of our kind will do them for us.
We insure our homes and build fire exits because we know that either we or someone is bound to be stupid enough to bring it down someday soon. Interestingly, we sometimes agonise over the safety of our worldly possessions more than that of our loved ones. Life is up to God but material things? Oh, some of us are sure to destroy it one of these days.
We buy spares of everything we possibly can.
We back-up data on our computer’s hard-drive, store the same on an external hard-drive and also have a collection of back-up CDs & DVDs. We’re sure that, if not us, our creation – the computer - will definitely royally screw up things for us.
There you go. I just destroyed this blog post and possibly your peace of mind. Mindless destruction, I say.
Anyway, I got to perorate now lest my comp gives up on me.
I do a fair share of reading to have an opinion on a thing or two but I won’t say I am an authority on books. So, if you find anything I’ve said off the mark, please feel free to correct me.
I love short stories. Apart from collections of short stories from various writers, many a times, I pick up a short story book by a single writer to familiarize myself with his/her writing style before I buy his/her fattest tome. I did that with Haruki Murakami, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Ernest Hemingway and Satyajit Ray among many others.
I used to love only the twist-in-the-tale variety of short stories by Roald Dahl, Jeffrey Archer, Satyajit Ray and their ilk. But that was before I discovered Haruki Murakami. While some find his stories rather exasperating and unsatisfying for they leave a lot unsaid, that is exactly why I find them interesting. There’s the obvious benefit of making whatever you wish to of them.
That brings us to this gem by Ernest Hemingway. When asked to write a story in just six words, he wrote one that he says is his best work: 'For sale: baby shoes, never worn.' Get what I’m on about?
The Guardian once challenged some contemporary authors, laypeople and even some master graphic designers to be (in The Guardian’s words) “equally economical. Sure, Arthur C. Clarke refused to trim his ("God said, 'Cancel Program GENESIS.' The universe ceased to exist."), but the rest are concise masterpieces.”
Here are some of my favourites from their shortlist.
"Samaritans!" "I'm listening." "Hello?" "Hel..." "Samaritans..."
- Michel Faber
"It can't be. I'm a virgin."
- Kate Atkinson
“Set sail, great storm, all lost.”
- John Banville
“Dream punctured. Build pyre. Curses... Adolf.”
- Beryl Bainbridge
“See that shadow? (It's not yours.)”
- Jim Crace
“Defenestrated baby, methamphetamine, prison, rehab, relapse.”
- Jeffrey Eugenides
“Juicy offer. Must decline. Still paralysed.”
- Richard Ford
“Bob's last message: Bermuda Triangle, Baloney.”
- Elmore Leonard
“Dad called: DNA back: he isn't.”
- Helen Fielding
“Humorous book: critic died laughing. Sued.”
- Alexander McCall Smith
"Kiss me." "?" "Kiss me.." "?!!" "Oh, sorry."
Jon McGregor
“Megan's baby. John's surname. Jim's eyes.”
- Simon Armitage
“Served the pie, watched him die.”
- Maggie O'Farrell
“Thought love must fade: but no.”
- George Saunders
“He didn't. She did. Big mistake.”
- AL Kennedy
“They awaited sunrise. It never came.”
- AS Byatt
“In the end, everything simply began.”
- Ali Smith
“Stop me before I kill again.”
- Hari Kunzru
“It was a dark, stormy... aaaaargggh!”
- John Lanchester
“Catherine had treasonable sex. Heads rolled.”
- Helen Simpson
"The Earth? We ate it yesterday."
- Yann Martel
“A&E, IOU”
- Toby Litt
“Funeral followed honeymoon. He was 90.”
- Graham Swift
“Womb. Bloom. Groom. Gloom. Rheum. Tomb.”
- Blake Morrison
"Mind what gap?" ... ... ...
- Hilary Mantel
“Computer, did we bring batteries? Computer?”
- Eileen Gunn
“Vacuum collision. Orbits diverge. Farewell, love.”
- David Brin
“Gown removed carelessly. Head, less so.”
- Joss Whedon
“Automobile warranty expires. So does engine.”
- Stan Lee
“Longed for him. Got him. Shit.”
- Margaret Atwood
“From torched skyscrapers, men grew wings.”
- Gregory Maguire
“With bloody hands, I say good-bye.”
- Frank Miller
“Wasted day. Wasted life. Dessert, please.”
- Steven Meretzky
“Cellar?” “Gate to, uh … hell, actually.”
- Ronald D.
“Epitaph: Foolish humans, never escaped Earth.”
- Vernor Vinge
“It cost too much, staying human.”
- Bruce Sterling
“We kissed. She melted. Mop please!”
- James Patrick Kelly
“It’s behind you! Hurry before it…”
- Rockne S. O’Bannon
“I’m your future, child. Don’t cry.”
- Stephen Baxter
“Lie detector eyeglasses perfected: Civilization collapses.”
- Richard Powers
“I’m dead. I’ve missed you. Kiss …?”
- Neil Gaiman
“The baby’s blood type? Human, mostly.”
- Orson Scott Card
“Kirby had never eaten toes before.”
- Kevin Smith
“Rained, rained, rained, and never stopped.”
- Howard Waldrop
“To save humankind he died again.”
- Ben Bova
“We went solar; sun went nova.”
- Ken MacLeod
“I couldn’t believe she’d shoot me.”
- Howard Chaykin
“Don’t marry her. Buy a house.”
- Stephen R. Donaldson
“Broken heart, 45, WLTM disabled man.”
- Mark Millar
“TIME MACHINE REACHES FUTURE!!! Nobody there…”
- Harry Harrison
“Tick tock tick tock tick tick.”
- Neal Stephenson
“Easy. Just touch the match to…”
- Ursula K. Le Guin
“New genes demand expression - third eye.”
- Greg Bear
“K.I.A. Baghdad, Aged 18 - Closed Casket.”
- Richard K. Morgan
“Epitaph: He shouldn't have fed it.”
- Brian Herbert
“Batman Sues Batsignal: Demands Trademark Royalties.”
- Cory Doctorow
“Heaven falls. Details at eleven.”
- Robert Jordan
“Bush told the truth. Hell froze.”
- William Gibson
“whorl. Help! I'm caught in a time”
- Darren Aronofsky and Ari Handel
“Nevertheless, he tried a third time.”
- James P. Blaylock
God to Earth: “Cry more, noobs!”
- Marc Laidlaw
“Help! Trapped in a text adventure!”
- Marc Laidlaw
“Thought I was right. I wasn't.”
- Graeme Gibson
“Lost, then found. Too bad.”
- Graeme Gibson
“Three to
- Graeme Gibson
“Dinosaurs return. Want their oil back.”
- David Brin
“Bang postponed. Not Big enough. Reboot.”
- David Brin
“Temporal recursion. I'm dad and mom?”
- David Brin
“Deadline postponed. Five words enough...?”
- David Brin
“Metrosexuals notwithstanding, quiche still lacks something.”
- David Brin
“Brevity’s virtue? Wired saves adspace. Subscribe!”
- David Brin
“Death postponed. Metastasized cells got organized.”
- David Brin
“Mind of its own. Damn lawnmower.”
- David Brin
“Please, this is everything, I swear.”
- Orson Scott Card
“I saw, darling, but do lie.”
- Orson Scott Card
“Sum of all fears: AND patented.”
- Charles Stross
“Ships fire; princess weeps, between stars.”
- Charles Stross
Mozilla devastates
- Charles Stross
“Will this do (lazy writer asked)?”
- Ken MacLeod
“Cryonics: Disney thawed. Mickey gnawed. Omigawd.”
- Eileen Gunn
“Clones demand rights: second Emancipation Proclamation.”
- Paul Di Filippo
“We crossed the border; they killed us.”
- Howard Waldrop
“Finally, he had no more words.”
- Gregory Maguire
“There were only six words left.”
- Gregory Maguire
“Weeping, Bush misheard Cheney’s deathbed advice.”
- Gregory Maguire
“Corpse parts missing. Doctor buys yacht.”
- Margaret Atwood
“Starlet sex scandal. Giant squid involved.”
- Margaret Atwood
“He read his obituary with confusion.”
- Steven Meretzky
Time traveler's thought: "What's the password?"
- Steven Meretzky
“Steve ignores editor's word limit and…”
- Steven Meretzky
“Parallel universe. Bush, destitute, joins army.”
- Steven Meretzky
Dorothy: "Fuck it, I'll stay here."
- Steven Meretzky
.
What you absolutely must youtube:
Jeff Dunham
Watch all the characters – Peanut, Sweet Daddy D, Jose Jalapeno, Achmed: The Dead Terrorist, Walter and more.
Miriam Makeba
Check out the Click Song; it’s in the famously amusing Bushman language.
Giant Robot & Fireball XL5
You found them amusing as a kid? You’ll laugh your ass off now at their tackiness. But they rock.
Fraggle Rock & The Muppet Show
What??? I still love them.
George Bush
12 out of 10 search results these two words throw up are achingly hilarious.
Sicaf
Sand art on like a glass… glass… Oh, go watch it. It’s indescribably beautiful.
British TV shows
Allo Allo, Black Adder,
Woody Allen
Watch snatches from his movies like Manhattan, Deconstructing Harry, etc. Especially watch clippings from ‘Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask’. Yup, that's the name of one movie.
Look Around You
It’s a comedy science series by BBC. Brilliant and Funnnnnnn.
MAD TV
The old spoofs are still quite funny. Plus, there are the Arnold parodies. Fuhahahanny.
Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog
Roaringly funny. I recommend: The American Idol - Hawaii Audition, Hawaii Weather Report and Bon Jovi Concert episodes. Kickass.
Ya Mama
I don’t know why I love this video by Fatboy Slim. Wait, I know. Cos it’s stupidly insanely funny! Also watch other videos by them. Bird Of Prey, especially.
Dan Dunn - Paintjam
Watch his paint tribute to the legendary musician Ray Charles. You’ll love it.
Thousand Hand Guan Yin
Thousand Hand Guan Yin is a performance by a group of (supposedly) deaf artists. Mind-blowing teamwork and co-ordination!
Aye! Hip Hopper
And, finally! When I first saw this video, I thought these guys were kidding. But they seem to be serious; saw them on Channel [V] the other night!
That's all for now, folks. You can thank me later.
If you know more cool stuff, send me keywords. If you don't, send me cash.
I owe an apology to my readers (all 3* of them) for being absent on the scene.
I won’t cite lethargy, lack of inspiration, too much work, too little time or some such as an excuse. For I myself know not why I was away. It was probably a combination of many things.
Anyway, this blog isn’t dead. Oh no, not yet. Not without a fright.
I did a lot of introspection while I was away. In other words, I was busy twiddling my thumbs. A very rewarding experience, this twiddling of thumbs business, I tell you. Look what I discovered.
I have sharp fangs. Coupled with my excess body hair, they must make me look like a werewolf intruded upon in a changing room.
I have long eyelashes. I give women a complex. I have to apologise to frail people standing in front of me every time I blink.
I have big thick eyebrows. One could easily make a wig and a half out of the hair. I would do it but apparently it’s illegal to shave one’s eyebrows. No kidding.
I have wide shoulders. I cite them as the reason for my bad turnaround time. But my boss doesn’t believe me! @#$%&^*+{
I have knock knees. Knock knees! Knock-frikking-knees! I mean if I had got them now it would have been understandable, with the body weight I lug around. But I was fit as a fiddle back then!
I have these weird-ass little toes. I think they were originally designed for Quasimodo but then they thought they would make him look ugly.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had ice cream.
This little piggy had none.
This little piggy winked at a biker’s girl,
and the gang kicked him all the way home.”
Uh-oh, looks like I owe you guys another apology for this comeback post. Damn!
